When you are little, it is the coolest thing ever to parade around with Buzz Lightyear on your underpants.
But not only that, Buzz, or whatever beloved cartoon you are sporting, is front and center.
I used to have Beauty and the Beast underwear, and boom — there was Belle, all gussied up in her yellow ballgown with her hair cascading down and an alluring smile, right there on my crotch. You could not miss her.
I am pretty sure my sister inherited the Beauty and the Beast panties after I outgrew them. I am glad the days of hand-me-down unmentionables have ceased.
As adults, no matter how much we insist we are children at heart, we are never children by underwear. No, if we are going to adorn our undies, it will be all over, to create a uniform sense of a pattern, or – especially for the ladies – across the butt.
Don’t get me wrong; I am quite attached to my favorite pairs of undies. But I can’t help but feel that even my luckiest pair might be all the more lucky if you were to unzip my pants and find whatever message I’m sending out into the world (ideally “To infinity and beyond!”) right there, front and center.
You know, 101 Dalmatians all lined up at adorable attention out front like a bill board. Then everybody in the locker room would have no doubt that I’m the coolest kid on the block. I want to wear the kind of undies that make you ‘forget’ to zip your fly. No more of this patterned fruit crap.