How to Adequately Celebrate Any Holiday (Including the Lame Ones)

You know, we freak out a lot about a lot of holidays.  People are going nuts for Valentine’s Day today; we seem to have all agreed that one’s actions today can have larger consequences than on normal days.  Fourth of July involves finding the best fireworks show (or corndog).  Halloween is planned for long in advance.  And don’t anybody start on the winter holidays…  that’s a whole ‘nother ball game.

Sometimes people protest this and decide to do nothing or close to nothing instead.  This seems silly, because there is a perfectly acceptable, minimal effort way to celebrate any and every holiday, and most of it were familiar with it when we were six:

1. Candy.  Yes, it’s cheaper the day after, but then that’s pathetic candy.  On the actual holiday, it is treat candy.  You can even get special kinds in funny colors.
2. Socks.  Everybody should have a pair of socks for every holiday.  They need not be obnoxious (although they can be).  Today I am wearing a pair of red socks that my mom knit that have hearts in the ankles.
3.  Underwear.  I know, I know, it’s Valentine’s day, but I am not talking about that kind of underwear.  That kind of underwear has nothing to do with children except for those children that are the accidental products of such underwear.  I’m talking about the fun kind.  Like today there is a heart pocket on my butt.  This is the kind of underwear that you wear for nobody but you and that you draw secret powers from because you can spend all day thinking, “Man, I am wearing FANTASTIC undies today!” and it is like a special secret power just for you.



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