Well, At Least You Know It

The other day, I was thinking about how kids are exposed to (and like) all sorts of things when they don’t really know what they’re saying/doing/advertising/etc.  Specifically, I was thinking about how the kids I babysat last year were really into Sexy and I Know It.


And then my mind did a weird blink twitch thing, and I was like, “Wait…  Doesn’t that song already exist?”


And then my mind reoriented itself, and I was like, “Oh.  No.  That’s If You’re Happy and You Know It.”



P.S. Very soon, I will have internet again and I will be a much more reliable blogger.


Why I Need to Watch More Cartoons

It recently occurred to me that I have not seen a cereal commercial in a long, long time.  Of course, this is probably not helped by the fact that I don’t watch a lot of tv, and when I do, it’s usually on the internet.  Still, I feel like cereal commercials have been largely absent, and it concerns me.   What if the kids finally finally got whatever it is they’re trying to take from that leprechaun?

The chase premise for these commercials always struck me as odd, because couldn’t the kids just go to the grocery store and buy a box?

Anyway, I was thinking about this, and it made me remember one of the longest jokes I knew as a kid.  There are several versions of this on the internet; here is one of the more involved, less religious ones:

Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.
It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.
The Trids were a very fertile people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.
The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn’t stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.The Trids were a very depressed people.
One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.
The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid’s case to the Giant. “Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you,” the Rabbi explained.
The Trids were horrified. “Please don’t go, Rabbi”, the Trids implored. “The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown.”
The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.
The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.
He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.
He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.
Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked “Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?”

And the Giant replied, “Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!”


How to Celebrate Christmas

If you don’t have an advent calendar – you know, one of those ones with chocolate hiding behind cardboard flaps that you can get at the dollar store – you’re doing it wrong.


My sister is doing it wrong.


Me: Want a chocolate?  I’m like two weeks behind.

Megan: No, I don’t like those.

Me: Here, you can have the 8th.

Megan: They taste like wax.

Me: They taste like your childhood!

Megan: I don’t remember my childhood tasting like ass.

Me: Mmmm a drum…



How to Fix the Obesity Problem

You know how little kids are hella strong?

You know why little kids are hella strong?

Because their whole world is HUGE.  If I had to jump to get onto a couch or stand on my tiptoes to reach basically anything, I would be hella strong, too.

I’m pretty sure there’s a business opportunity here.  Who wants to start making giant furniture with me?

How to Get to Neverland

I have figured out the secret to being a kid forever, and let me tell you, it is super simple.  No arduous quests for the fountain of youth, no decaying portraits in the attic — no, the secret to retaining your youthful days forever comes in a box and costs less than five dollars…


The day you stop loving Shape Mac & Cheese is the day your childhood dies.


I was reminded of this today when I received a package at work.  An internal, from-somewhere-else-in-the-company package.  From my college roommate, who works at the same company.  In college, we figured out how to make Mac & Cheese in her hot water heater, meaning we could make it whenever we wanted without having to leave the comfort of our overcrowded dorm room.  We were pretty pleased with ourselves, and rightly so.  Mac & Cheese is just about the ultimate comfort food, and on top of that, something about eating it in cartoon noodle form makes it not only taste better, but also makes the whole world shine just a little brighter like it did when you were seven.



Sometimes, you have goals in life, like “figure out how to be an adult without it killing me,” and sometimes, people have your back when it comes to meeting those goals.

Why Children Are Superior Beasts

Maggie is a now seven-year-old that I babysat my senior year of college every day after school.  At the time, Maggie was a first grader.  She once confessed to me that she preferred to be called “Margaret,” but nobody would ever call her this.  I usually called her Miss Maggie.

The first day I sat for that family, I told Maggie we needed to go in to do her reading, and she jolted off her bike and ran for it.  I had their ill-behaved beaglador on a leash, so she (the child, not the dog) got away.  …Everything about this situation was scary and sucked.  Except unbeknownst to me, Miss Maggie is a relatively obedient child and was not allowed to leave the block.  So while I freaked out and looked basically everywhere for her, employing her older siblings to help me, she hid in the bushes next door.

Maggie is the only child who has ever asked me what color peg I want when I got married in The Game of Life.  I was allowed to cheat at charades by making noises when playing with Maggie.  However, it was pretty much heresy to fail to guess whatever she was acting out.  This seemed fair.

In the middle of the winter, I got to go girl scout cookie selling with Maggie.  We rocked.  I pulled the wagon, she looked cute, we totally made our quota.

Maggie was busy adventuring through the Magic Tree House series with Jack and Annie for most of the year.  In the spring, her family built a tree house, and Maggie made sure we read in the tree house every single day after that, which was very fitting.  She allotted me my own “room” in the tree house — it should be noted that the tree house was mostly a platform, so this was more of a few square feet that I had complete and total dibs over.  I was responsible for bringing up the snacks.